Dealing with loss of a loved one

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Dealing with loss of a loved one

Post by gods+lonely=man » Wed Jun 21, 2017 8:37 am

Hello citizens of altered minds.
Since i respect/value the views and insight of this board i thought i would ask for advice on dealing with the guilt,anger,and sadness that comes from the death of a loved one.
Three days ago in the early morning hours my beloved cat of 15 years passed away right in from front of me.
She had been dealing with a thyroid condition for a number of months before this. Even thought i gave her medicine there were still times every few months that she would get sick for a few days then bounce right back to normal. When this would happen she would be withdrawn and not want to eat or drink much at all. I assumed this last time that she was just having another spell since it happened a couple of times before and was not that worried.
I went about doing normal things expecting to come home to her and see that she was up and about feeling better.
The night before she passed i came home and started to think that maybe she was really sick this time and it was serious.
I decided that i would bring her in as soon as the vet opened a few hours later.
I stayed up waiting to bring her in but within a short time span of 45 minutes i watched her lose functioning and struggle to breathe,ultimately being with her as she passed on.
The whole experience felt unreal like i was watching a movie of myself and i never thought she was dying.

Now i understand that she was preparing herself to pass and there were signs that i should have picked up on.I have extreme guilt that i should have taken her in 2 days earlier and that i was acting like everything was fine as she was going through this process.

For me she was not just a pet but another member of my family.I grew up with cats but she was one of a kind and i can't even think there will be another like her.She was a bodhisattva and perfect in every way.She was a light in a dark world and because of this i feel a major emptiness in my life.

All the thoughts of what i could have done different as well as the experience of the death continue to haunt me.I have asked for her forgiveness over and over but i know it is me that has to forgive myself.

So if anyone here has dealt with this kind of loss or has advice on coping with grief,i would being very appreciative.

Also sorry if this is not on topic,i put it in the lounge thinking it would be the best place.

Thank you.

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Re: Dealing with loss of a loved one

Post by C_D » Wed Jun 21, 2017 10:05 am

hey Gods, so sorry to hear of your loss. She was unique. Every animal companion I've ever had the pivilege to know has been utterly unique.
Celebrate that you had her friendship and loyalty throughout her life - and that you were there to ease her passing on at the end.
She still exists as a part of you. She dreams of you, as you in turn remember her.

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Re: Dealing with loss of a loved one

Post by deep state » Fri Jun 23, 2017 5:31 am

saying a permanent goodbye to a loved one is the most excruciating experience there is as human beings but it also one that is built into the nature of existence. when my own cat died at 10 years old it was like losing a piece of myself but that also led me to experience myself as extending beyond this mortal realm. Love transcends death.

your cat lived for 15 years, which is probably a little above average or at least average, and died at home. That sounds like a best case scenario. what is it you feel angry or guilty about?

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Re: Dealing with loss of a loved one

Post by gods+lonely=man » Fri Jun 23, 2017 10:47 am

Hello again,first let me say thank you for the thought full words as they have resonated and provided some clarity to this difficult process.

''She dreams of you, as you in turn remember her'' and ''Love transcends death'' are both healing to me.

The first few days were the hardest since i work in service and had to be around happy people.Even the very few condolences(i'm very private about my real life) felt off putting or in one instance seemed over comforting since i didn't really want to talk that much about it.

I have to be the strong one most of the time since my little best friend was also the little best friend of my partner and she is even more attached than
i am.
We rescued our LBF at the start of our relationship and therefore years of memories as a family reside with her.Having no children meant that
she was were that collective love was placed.Our relationship has been difficult during the last few years and this death has paradoxically brought us closer and created distance.

The guilt i have is the question of whether i could have done more to try to save her.I know that if i had foresight that i would have done things
differently but i really thought that it was just another spell like the ones before related to her condition.Even in the last hour where it was telling
that she was really ill,i dissociated and felt like i was acting in a play.

This sense of detachment angers me as it feels sociopathic.Right after she passed i punched myself in the arm a few times so that i might wake my
body up to the reality of the situation and counteract my mind trying to distance me.
I did wake up my partner so that she could say goodbye as the little one was leaving this material plane.Seeing her cry and rock while holding her
during the passing was the one thing that made it feel real.The only times so far that i have cried rivers has been late at night but those tears
thankfully have really helped me feel a sense of release.
Its really my partners pain of loss that gets to me and not my own.
I'm an overly responsible/perfectionist type person and because of this i feel a self inflicted judgement.

I've always had a high level of emotional detachment and am trying to figure out where a healthy boundary begins and ends.Growing up i was the
confidant to my mother through many difficult situations.I imagine that this is where i developed being detached as a defense mechanism
against the high levels of psychic/emotional energy that could easily be absorbed by a sensitive cancer like myself.

Feeling is important for understanding and so because of this passing i am reexamining who i am,which is not a easy or fun undertaking.

Hopefully there will be meaning derived from all of this and i won't look back with negativity.Instead i'll see that even in death my little best friend
brought more life.

Thank you again for letting me voice these things and allowing me to have a mini therapy session.It just seems easier to say these things in an
anonymous setting than to talk to people in person.Plus i trust this community based on the growing communications posted so far.

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deep state
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Re: Dealing with loss of a loved one

Post by deep state » Fri Jun 23, 2017 10:24 pm

that all makes sense

my net experience of Garbanzo was that he came into my life in the form of a cat to help me learn how to love, something my parents, siblings, and even my lovers were too wounded to do.

did you hear the podcasts I did around him & his passing? if not they might help to contextualize your own experience. based on what you have written so far, my own cat-as-anima healing journey may be less rare than I thought.

links to podcast in case you didnt hear them already:

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